She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
