Need sex. Gaining weight.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
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I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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