I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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