Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
