my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
