The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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