One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
