when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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