I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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