dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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