How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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