So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
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Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She even gives head with a lisp.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
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If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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