ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
