Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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