Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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