Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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