I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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