and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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