Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
