I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I did not marry a roomba.
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