Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
