Whatcha textin bout Willis?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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