well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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