Everything about him screamed your future.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
