I cut my penus on the lid.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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