bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
