hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
