eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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