if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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