she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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