any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
