It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
