Someone shit on the floor
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
