How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
