the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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