I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
