Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
