Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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