It's like a parade of train wrecks.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
