i wish my penis had a tongue
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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