The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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