you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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