did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
