Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
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we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
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I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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