someone threw a dead crab at me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
