Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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