last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
