i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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