If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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