Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
