Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
