??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
