Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
