you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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