i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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