i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
